Stool Samples on New Year’s Eve
When I worked in the music business in my past life, one of my favorite things to do with my co-workers and friends (Thanks, Danny and Todd) was to come up with our faux album titles – because we are all stars in Nashville just waiting for our shot – might as well have our titles ready to go. It ranged from “Tacos in the Fellowship Hall” to “Getting Waxed at 2pm.” I coined one of my son’s album titles tonight – “Stool Samples on New Year’s Eve.”
We’re in the hospital again. He’s got wicked belly pain flaring back up, so they’ve got teams of wonderful doctors running more tests – from Gastrointestinal to Infectious Disease. I started to get all broody about spending the end of our 2014 this way. I could easily pitch a fit about the fact that we spent way too much of our Christmas season in a hospital. But I won’t. Am I sad? Yes. Am I angry? Yes. Am I going to let it ruin me? No. I’m still learning the art of letting myself feel but not letting it suffocate me. So much happened in 2014. So much cool, crazy, beautiful stuff. And also some hard, painful, awakening stuff. It's interesting how it's a metaphor with my son's belly issues. We've got to do a serious gut-check and clean out anything that doesn't belong so we can move forward with a clean start - you know, check your crap.
Here’s what happens when you hit a threshold of disappointments - you grow up. I can’t have a celebration cocktail toast with my husband and cuddle with him at midnight. He’s with Wendy at Vanderbilt Children’s collecting stool samples, and I’m at home with Wilnes and Woody trying to maintain normalcy and explain why brother is in the hospital again. I had a dream that after our boys came home, life wouldn't be so hard and sad anymore. But our sadness wasn't limited to 2013. And thankfully our celebration is not limited to tonight. The joy does not have to be reserved for this particular holiday. There is always an appointed and right time for everything (check out Ecclesiastes 3). And now is not our time to party. Now is our time to feel the growing pains. It is time to let go of our plans and expectations, to feel both the hardship and beauty of parenthood, to sit with complicated unanswered questions, to lean into struggles and trust we are not alone. And maybe next week (or next month), we’ll get a hot date night.
So on this eve of 2015, while Todd is entertained by our boy’s magnesium-induced colon flush and I fold a third load of Christmas travels laundry, I am both grief-filled and grateful. The grief reminds me I am no longer a young newly married woman to be whisked away for a night of dancing and fun to close out 2014. I'm grieving the loss of independence. And it’s okay to grieve what I miss. At the same time, I am gratfeful for the opportunity to be someone’s mama. I’m grateful to be stretched outside my comfort zone. I am grateful to be amid the hard lesson of releasing my plans and expectations. I am grateful for the men in my life. I am grateful I have a whole new year ahead to continue doing life with them and find another night to light sparklers, wear funny hats, and dance to Iggy Azalea. I am grateful for answers currently being explored regarding our sweet boy's health. I am incredibly grateful for a completed family.
Friends, what are you both grieving and grateful for in 2014? You are not alone.
