In Harmony With Our Differences

Often when I open Facebook I see blogs with the theme of something we should STOP doing.  For example,

What Not to Say to Adoptive Parents

What Not to Say to Parents who have children with Special Needs

What Not to Say to Single Parents

And those are just the parent topics, there’s also these…

What Christians Should Stop Saying Immediately

What Foods to Always Avoid

What Women Should Stop Doing by Age ____

I could write about each of these topics separately, but collectively there is a theme of pointing a finger and telling someone to stop.  There is an argument to be had - to publicly ask the madness, cruelty, or insensitivity to stop.  And perhaps the argument is valid and worth having.  As an adoptive mom, I will use that topic specifically to hopefully convey what I hope will be an invitation to all of us to embrace our stories and ask for grace versus telling others to “stop” doing something to us.  I have been an offender of this for sure, and I’m ready to rethink it.

I am often offended at comments people make to me about my children or adoption.  But here’s the thing – they have NO idea they are being rude, nor do they mean to be.  And if I write about a blog about what to STOP saying to me about adoption, I’m just shaming them and disconnecting.  And here’s what I usually mean when I get on a rant about what NOT to say to me ….I’m lonely. I’m so sad they don’t get it, and I feel disconnected. 

Think about it.  When we write or read blogs with people who are like us or share the same opinions, we feel the power of connection.  We get the, “someone gets me” high.  So when us adoptive parents write the “please stop saying this to us” blogs, we join forces together. And there truly is comfort in that, and again, often a valid concern we are trying to ask others to consider. For example, our children aren’t “lucky” to have us, so it’s important to elaborate on that for others who may not get that.  But we shut out the rest of the world and potentially disconnect ourselves even more when we get on our soap box and don’t consider the tone we take with others who don’t understand. 

I know 2 other American couples like us who adopted 3 children internationally and brought them all home at the same time. We have contact with these families, but not consistently due to different schools and locations.  So most of our contact is with families very different from us (and have their own set of struggles) and don’t always get the trials we face.  This is extremely lonely.  We are incredibly loved, but we can’t expect everyone to totally get where we are coming from.   And often this makes me want to write the ever popular “please stop saying this to me” blog. But here’s what I really want you to know - I am lonely.  I feel like no one gets this.  I am not really mad at you when you talk about how “lucky” my children are for being “rescued.” I am sad you have no concept of what they (or we) have gone through. I am sad I can’t connect with you in your birth or developmental processes with your child. So I could get all cranky and write a blog about “don’t talk to adoptive parents about your kid’s hard time with potty training,” or I can accept the truth that we all have different paths, understandings, and callings. I could get bitter and go in my corner and stand ready to fight with other adoptive parents…OR I can be really honest with you and tell you how lonely it is to feel so different because I have to rock my twelve year old son and feed him like a baby sometimes because he is so behind developmentally.  I don’t want to scream at you about this. I don’t want you to feel sorry for me.  I don’t want to fight. I want to tell you I am tired and scared.  I want to accept your family’s story. And I hope you will accept mine.

What would happen if we all put our weapons down and voiced our opinions from the experience of our feelings rather than trying to make other people like us?  What if instead of telling others what NOT to do, we start sharing our hurt and suggest what they could do to help us?

I’ll start.  As an adoptive mother, I ask for your grace.  I am not just a new mom, but I am a new mom of 3 adolescents. I didn’t change their diapers.  I didn’t breast feed.  I didn’t teach them to tie their shoes. I didn’t see them off to their first day of school. They have another mother they grieve every day.  They have another country that feels more like home.  It is all so complicated.  And I stand with you ALL of you mamas out there in the unique battles we each face. I don’t want to suggest or act like it’s harder for me. I am just sharing my truth and acknowledging it is different. 

When I was a kid I loved that Coke commercial that sang:

“I’d like to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony

I’d like to buy the world a Coke and keep it company.”

I’ve always been the type of person who wanted everyone to get along. But as I get older I recognize it’s so much more than getting along. It’s about accepting differences and being okay anyway.  We can harmonize in our differences.  We don’t have to be lonely and disconnect.  We can show up, sing our part of the melody, and let others sing theirs. 

Photo courtesy of my friend Elizabeth - another brave mama on her journey and sharing her children with mine.