Decisions
A common theme with my clients is the struggle to make decisions. I find myself in this conundrum lately as well. Whether it’s related to relationships, jobs, health, where to go to church, or just what to eat for dinner, decisions can feel debilitating when there seems no clear direction. For me I wonder, “what if it’s the wrong decision?” So, what if it is? If it’s wrong, I can do or try something different. But then the doing and trying something different can become exhausting and debilitating as well. At least that’s been my experience in my most recent battle of making decisions.
On a day when I was just tired of trying to “figure it out,” I braided my hair, threw on my Willie Nelson t-shirt, turned on Avett Brothers tunes, and got out a canvas and paints. I have never pained before – except in one of those paint along classes where you bring your friends and some wine and laugh at yourself trying to follow the teacher. But I had no teacher, no wine, no friend there with me – just me. I wanted to abandon decision-making and just be present with myself with no expectation of doing this "correctly." So I started painting arrows in every direction – up, down, right, left – each a different shade of this fun metallic paint I had picked out. They represent the choices by which I currently feel perplexed. I did not like these arrows just hanging out there, because that’s how I feel right now – so many possible directions with no clear path to take. So I painted Light in the center and all around them – to remind me that there will be Light at the source and around all these paths. I do not have to be alone in my confusion – whatever is chosen I have Help along my journey. I have a Guide so much bigger than me. It is hard for me to choose a direction, because in my human nature I want to know it will be the “right” way. But what I’m learning is that answers come when I try and experience different options and allow guidance from the Light of the Holy Spirit. It is with me in every choice and will never leave me alone. As I make decisions, it gives me a nudge of “yes, I have peace about that,” or the opposite, “something doesn’t seem right about this.” And I take a deep breath and realize I am not failing if I have to turn around and try a new path – just learning something new. Maybe decisions aren’t always about being right, but instead invite us to live more fully in curiosity and soak in the Light around us for help.
