Baby Got Back
I had an unexpected break from work today. People were sick and cancelled their appointments, so I looked at my afternoon and wondered what to do with myself. My husband is out of town for work. My kids are at school and basketball games. I spend much of my time tending to others’ needs, so I usually have to get my magnifying glass to find pockets of minutes in my iCal to do something just for me. But St. Valentine just dropped a big block of hours in my day. I felt pulled to the mall. I never go to the mall. In fact I don’t like it, but today it felt like where I was supposed to go. I needed jeans, but I hate shopping for them. I decided to "try on" a new perspective, and it was so healing. I realized today was about loving my body.
The relationship I have with my butt is an ever-growing (no pun intended) connection. I started “filling out” at the age of 11 – but not where I wanted to. I had to wear these really tight pants as part of my uniform at my first job at McDonald’s, and a trucker said to my 16 yr old self, “You fill out those pants real nice, darlin’.” I felt disgusting. A family member told me I needed a wide-load sign on my butt. True story. It was said as a joke, but a 14 yr old girl does not find this funny. I began to make my own big butt jokes, because hey, I want to put myself down before you do. I started diets…or just didn’t eat. My face and waist were bones, but that backside kept her curves. She wasn’t budging. When Sir Mix-A-Lot came out with “Baby Got Back” I felt like it was my anthem. I acted like it didn’t bother me when someone said about me, “Isn’t she a little too thick to be Miss Teen of Oklahoma?” But I died inside. And I quickly responded, “It was a scholarship and recognition pageant – you have to be SMART to win!” I thought I was somehow putting him in his place, but really I was just agreeing I was thick but had other qualities to cover up for it. In a singing competition I was told not to wear jeans on stage because, “You’re a little too curvy.” I’ve got more stories like this. And the thing is I WASN’T EVEN OVERWEIGHT! But my butt and people’s opinions of it made me feel like I was as big as Texas. Even as I write this I am crying a little for that young beautiful girl in me who thought her ass was her identity and that it was too much.
Shopping for jeans was the absolute worst. I suspect it is for many females. But when you are 5’3” with an hourglass figure, there are a variety of problems. The waistline sticks out, you have to hem them for your short legs, if the waist fits then your butt looks giant…er. As an adolescent I would cry at the Buckle store every mother-loving time. I just went in and self-proclamied, “I need jeans for a big butt.” Here’s what happened today. I walked right in and proudly asked for help and said, “It’s always been so hard for me to find jeans for my body shape. I have a small waist and these really rocking curves. Can you help me?” She smiled and was so excited. She brought me 10 pairs to try on. I felt like a queen. She just kept bringing jeans and asking me what I thought about them. I did not put my body down one time. I said things like, “these don’t accentuate the right spots.” I didn’t blame my body. I blamed the jeans and put those back. And I found my jeans. I danced in the mirror. I celebrated this booty-ful woman I saw.
Those stories from men in my past told my little girl self a story about her worth and beauty. I grieved with her. I showed compassion to her. And now I am telling her a new story – that I am a grown-ass woman who has her back now. I won’t let those stories be hers anymore. We do what highlights our beauty. We ask for help. I don’t hide her or shame her. I put her in new jeans and remind her that even these clothes and how she looks in them aren’t a measure of her worth. When I changed perspective, I found the jeans. I rescued her. I found mySELF.